Saturday, 25 April 2015

What about ME?

As I sit here, the day before the London Marathon trying to sort myself out for the great event, I thought, Ive not blogged for a bit, what I do I mention.  Looking back I talked a lot about Celia's illness and the various stages she went through.  I have to say thou, the casualties to this were not just Celia her self, but indirectly myself and other members of our various families.

I am not perfect, after all no one is perfect in this world we live in.  But I made a number of decisions over the time of her illness and subsequently, which might other people would have thought differently.  Even now, looking back in the cold light of an April morning and with the added benefit of hindsight I would have made some different ones.

I had information, advice and opinions from everyone firing at me, some very personal based, others just thoughts, some from medical and other related professionals.  It was a lot to take on board.  If anyone is reading this and thinks what would they do.  One piece of advice I would offer is: find someone your trust 100% to talk to.  Tell them everything you are feeling and what you have been told, the pros and cons.  I am sure they will tell you what they think,but more importantly they will allow you to do what you want without any ill feelings.  They will go with you and will not take it personal if you do not follow there advice.  For myself, this was my sister.  She had her opinions on this and that, but supported me in what I decided (and still does to this day).  In many ways, it has made us a better bro n sis!

For myself, in the years when Celia was at home I did pretty much everything: looking after her, our daughter, running the house, shopping, ironing, booking doctors appointments.....the list goes on.  It was only after Celia was in hospital did I feel how much all this had taken out on me, and my body just said - ok, enough is enough.  Within in a month I was off ill work for a week, that week ended up being 3 months.  I only went back to work as I found another job without the same pressures as my previous on,  I was suffering from exhaustion, depression and anxiety.  Doctors said to me, not surprising really.  My road back from the depression wagon was long, and running has helped, it has been the best medicine for myself.  I started on a bit of a whim.  I remember coming home from hospital with all the paperwork after she had passed away and thought, 'sh** got a funeral to arrange!!'  I also didnt want to be in the house at that time with those thoughts.  I was driving past an outlet village, popped in, stopped at the Adidas shop and bought a pair of trainers, T shirt and shorts.  Got home and went out for a 3mile run.  Ok, it was very hard work and suffered, but it gave me air and some time to think.  From those 3 miles, I run about 3 times a week, taken part in 6 marathons to date (no7 this weekend) and found it best way to get rid of stress and generate my time.

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